Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

Thursday 24 July 2014

Funny Relationship Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

About Funny Relationship Quotes

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Funny Relationship Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

Funny Sarcastic Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

About Funny Sarcastic Quotes

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    You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
    Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
    Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
    Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
    If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murderâ€¦it would be an apocalypse!
    This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
    I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
    When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
    A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
    Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
    Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
    Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
    Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
    Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
    Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
    He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
    I bet you get bullied a lot.
    I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
    I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
    I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
    I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
    I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
    I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
    I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
    I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
    I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
    I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
    If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
    I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
    I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
    I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
    Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
    People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
    She's the first in her family born without tail.
    That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
    What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
    Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
    What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
    You are not even beneath my contempt.
    You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
    You grow on people, but so does cancer.
    You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
    You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
    You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
    Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
    You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

Funny Sarcastic Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

Funny Quotes About Kids Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

About Funny Quotes About Kids

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You shouldn't listen in on your sister's conversation with her boyfriend because it gets too mushy.
Lezlee, age 11
When your mother is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" it's best not to answer her.
Megham, age 13
I'll never take my mom's car out again until I can do it legally.
Lorie, age 14
Parents freak out when you have a party with loud music.
Eddie, age 10
Every time my grandparents sleep over, they snore through the night.
Megan, age 6
If you want something expensive, you should ask your grandparents.
Matthew, age 12
When I want to watch a TV show with my parents past my bedtime, my mom always sends me to bed no matter how much I fake being "absorbed" in the program.
Rebecca, age 11
Parents don't get enough appreciation
Susanna, age 17
You should never laugh at your dad if he's mad or screaming at you.
Jogn, age 12
My little brother's dirty diapers are worse than liver.
Matt, age 1

If mom's not happy, nobody's happy.

Neely, age 13

If your mom's asleep, don't wake her up.

Amber, age 10

You can play the coolest tricks when people don't know that you have a twin.

Amie, age 16

When my dad says to be home at 11.30, he doesn't mean be in the driveway, but inside the house by myself.

Elizabeth, age 16

If your mom picks your clothes and you dislike them, tell her they don't fit.

Christie, age 12

You only have one mom, and you should take care of her.

Sean, age 12

Every time I am at home and I am getting on my parent's nerves, they wish I were at camp. And every time I'm at camp and nothing's bothering them, they miss me.
Ashley, age 12

My grandmother can say more in a sentence than a college professor can say in an hour and a half.
Angela, age 14
No matter how much I love something, mom will throw it away without a second's thought.
Brian, age 12

My dad will never be color coordinated.

Samuel, age 11

When you complain about doing the dishes, you usually get stuck doing them more often.

Nichole, age 14

The older you get, the harder your parents try to keep you little.

Emily, age 16
Even today, watching baseball with your grandpa is still a great American pastime.
Erin, age 13
You should never pick on your sister when she has a baseball bat in her hands.
Joel, age 12
I can remember what flavor of ice cream cone my grandmother and I shared at Disneyworld; but most of the time, I can't remember what day it is. I guess it depends on what you think is important.
Katherine, age 13
If you put your brother's hand in warm water, he will wet the bed.
Christopher, age 9

When you make a face behind your father's back, he turns around too quick for you to get away with it.

Elizabeth, age 12

It's no fun to stay up all night if your parents don't care.
Carrie, age 15
You should never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
Alecia, age 12
Every time I complain to my mom that I'm bored, she tells me to go clean my room.
Joanna, age 13
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch the second person.
Michael, age 10
If mom says "no," she means it. If dad says "no," it means maybe.
Joseph, age 13
When I think about my grandpas who are dead, tears jump into my eyes.
Calen, age 7
Brothers are annoying until they get a car.
Leslie, age 12
No matter what I do, my mom can always tell when I'm lying.
Jamie, age 16

It isn't the best thing to dump a bowl of ice cream over your brother's head - no matter how mad you are.

Laura, age 12
You can't play sick and then expect your mom to let you go to the mall after school.
Wendy, age 14
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Morgan, age 1
Once you've lost your parents' trust, it's hard to earn it back.
Kara, age 1
You should not pick your nose because your mom will SCREAM!!!
Tiffany, age 8
If you don't like what the cafeteria is serving, just put some in your milk carton and you can get away with it.

Brandy, age 12

I've learned that goldish don't like jello.

Jlie Ann, age 9

Wise Beyond Their Years

You should always listen to older people. They are like living history books and can teach you so much.

Cindy, age 13

It does not matter how much money a family has. If there is a lot of love in a home, that family is richer than any millionaire could ever be.
Whitney, age 16
My mom and dad love me no matter what.
Abbey, age 8
I should never make a decision unless I'm willing to accept the consequences.
Stacey, age 17
It's funny how God uses simple people to do great things.
Elana, age 15
The art of communication is not what you can hear bein said from the other person's mouth, but what you can feel from his heart and see in his eyes.
Leah, age 15
No matter how much you cry at night, things won't change nless you help them to change.
Nicole, age 17
Sometimes the most loving answer is no.
Leslie, age 12
You should always try, even when you don't think it will help.
Jennifer, age 11
It is OK to fail, but it is not OK to give up.
Kate, age 8
The color of people shouldn't matter.
Somer, age 10
A single flower growing where nothing else is growing is a beautiful thing.
Cindy, age 13
I should always try my best. If I don't succeed, then at least I will feel good about myelf.
Laura, age 16
Life is hard no matter how old you are.
Rosalinda, age 13
People are quick to condemn you for the things you've done, but they'll never give you credit for all the times you resisted temptation.
Heather, age 16
It's never too late to say you're sorry.
Laura, age 12
The truth is the quickest and easiest way out of trouble.
Sarah, age 12
Nothing hurts more than guilt.
Jessica, age 12
It is a good thing we don't always get what we wish for.
Rebekah, age 15
You should be careful around those younger than you. It is surprising how much of an impact a word or action can make on them.
Sarah, age 12
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
Megan, age 14
One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was their love for each other.
Jamie, age 16
Someone is always better than you in one thing, but you are better than them in another.
Alecia, age 12
Trust is the most valuable thing you'll ever earn.
Susanna, age 17
You will never be happy if all you do is think about all the things you don't have.
Christy, age 17
It's good to receive compliments, and it's even better to give them.
Aaron, age 17
Experience is the Best Teacher
Ninety-nine percent of the time things aren't nearly as bad as you first thought they were.
Jessica, age 15
Piano lessons can make fifteen minutes feel like an hour.
Jack, age 9
Even though people claim to know what you're going through or dealing with, they don't.
Jaimee, age 14
What seem to be small gestures of thoughtfulness and kindness can mean lot - a whole lot.
Mary Allyn, age 17
If you want something in a cereal box and it looks really big, it always turns out small and crummy.
Katie, age 9
Every time you get a good seat at the movies, someone taller comes and sits in front of you.
You should never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble

If you live with five other women, you have to get up bright and early to get into the bathroom.

Meghann, age 13
One of the greatest feelings in the world is the feeling you get when your little sister shows that she admires you.
Dawn, age 14
I appreciate my mom more than she knows.
David, age 15
Parents have eyes in the backs of their heads.
Melissa, age 12
Despite all the loving and caring relationships in the world, there is nothing more loving than the feel of my mother's hand on my forehead when I am sick.
Rosemary, age 17
It seems like the oldest one always gets in trouble even if she didn't do it.
Sally, age 11
Parents should come with instructions.
Shanna, age 14
It's not always easy being a kid, but I bet it's even harder being an adult.

Funny Quotes About Kids Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

Funny Retirement Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

About Funny Retirement Quotes

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'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.   Douglas Adams
'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb.
'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.' R C Sherriff.
'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.' Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.Funny Retirement Quotes
'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge.
'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.' Alexander Graham Bell.
'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.' William Shakespeare.
'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' Malcolm Muggeridge
'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.' Anon
'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' Groucho Marx
'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's nowhere to retire to.' Doctor Who
More funny quotes.
Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did - Malcolm Forbes
The money's no better in retirement but the hours are - Anonymous
Retirement without the love of letters is a living burial - Seneca
I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy - Danny McGorty
Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it - Gene Perret
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did - Robert Benchley
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret
A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job - Ella Harris
What do gardeners do when they retire? - Bob Monkhouse

    You and your teeth don't sleep together.
    You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
    It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
    Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
    You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
    Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
    Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
    You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
    You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
    You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
    He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
    She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
    This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    This man has delusions of adequacy.
    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
    When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Six Saturdays, One Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Amusing Snippets for Those Giving up Working

    Age is important only if you're wine or cheese - Unknown
    My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law - Jerry Seinfeld
    There is no sense in being pessimistic.
    It wouldn't work anyway - Unknown

If My Body Was a Car - Effects of RetirementFunny Retirement car

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.......

    My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.......
    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather......
    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.....
    It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
    My fuel rate burns inefficiently...... Retirement Speech - Retest Motorists

But here's the worst of it:

    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter: either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires
    You and your teeth don't sleep together.
    You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
    At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
    Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
    The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
    It takes twice as long to look half as good.
    You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
    'Getting lucky' means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
    The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
    You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

A Lovely Retirement Poem

Train of Life

Some folks ride the train of life
Looking out the rear,
Watching miles of life roll by,
And marking every year.

They sit in sad remembrance,
Of wasted days gone by,
And curse their life for what it was,
And hang their head and cry.

But I don't concern myself with that,
I took a different vent,
I look forward to what life holds,
And not what has been spent.

So strap me to the engine,
As securely as I can be,
I want to be out on the front,
To see what I can see.

I want to feel the winds of change,
Blowing in my face,
I want to see what life unfolds,
As I move from place to place.

I want to see what's coming up,
Not looking at the past,
Life's too short for yesterdays,
It moves along too fast.

So if the ride gets bumpy,
While you are looking back,
Go up front, and you may find,
Your life has jumped the track.

It's all right to remember,
That's part of history,
But up front's where it's happening,
There's so much mystery.

The enjoyment of living,
Is not where we have been,
It's looking ever forward,
To another year and ten.

It's searching all the byways,
Never should you refrain,
For if you want to live your life,
You gotta drive the train

Funny Retirement Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

Family Guy Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends and Sayings About School Tumblr for Kids Tagalog Photos Pics

About Family Guy Funny Quotes

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The Best Family Guy Quotes
Peter: Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my alpha-bits, it says "Ooooooo"
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios.

Peter: Excuse me, is your refridgerater running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.

Peter: I'm not afraid of anything, I laugh in the face of Death. See HAHAHAHA.
Death: Oh great! Thanks a lot. As if it wasnt already hard enough to fit in.

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.

Lois: Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Pope - No one embarrasses the Pope and gets away with it [Looks up at the sky], SMITE THEM!

(waits for a few seconds)

Pope - He's cooking up a something good!

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
(pause)
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Peter: That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy.

Meg: I like him, he remembers my name!

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Head Scout: You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going.

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They're just gonna get hungry again in an hour.

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.

Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.

Lois: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian: The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot.

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.

Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.

Quagmire: Hello?
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. G. Quagmire.
Quagmire: OK, hold on a sceond. [Shuts door, takes pants off, and opens door again]
Quagmire: I've got a package for you too... [Showing penis] Alright!

Peter: No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it.

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris: Thanks.

Cleveland Jr: Honey comb big, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small, no no no.

Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle i find, i shall KILL you.

Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!

Mayor West: MY GOD! Someones stealing my water!
Meg: But it just went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit when you least expect it.
(Waters plant)
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I've spent $1000 dollars of the tax payers money trying to find these thieves and I'll spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You can't print that! Thank god shes just a figment of my imagination.

Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Cleveland: Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life.

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Peter: Gays don't vommit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.

Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math.

Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
Peter: AAHHHHH!
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?

Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way.

Lois: Peter you have to go to work.
Peter: That's nothing a phone call can't fix.
Peter: [Dialing phone] Hello Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. My family was in a terrible plane crash and I'm a vegetable. See you tomorow.

Stewie: I'd love to stay and chat but, you're a total bitch.