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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
I once prayed to god for a bik, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
You can't be late until you show up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Expecting the world to treat you fairy because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke
Advice for the day: If you hae a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.
You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
Anytime fur New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
I am erotic. You are kinky. They are perverts. We protect. Our allies enforce. Our enemies oppress.