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Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When soeone with multiple personalities threathens suicide, can that be considered a hostige situation?
What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Why do they call it "common sense" when it's so rare?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If you get corn oil by squeezing corn, how do you get baby oil?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If electricity comes from electrons does it mean morality comes from morons?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of MEAT?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Psychics never win the lottery. Why is that?
How can two space ships meeting always face the right way up in Sci-Fi movies?
You know that little indestructible blackbox that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If you blame someone for your failures, do you credit them for your achievements?
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker??
Why do we chop a tree "down" and then chop it "up"?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS; aren't we clean when we use them?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?