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Sometimes I dream that a big, giant squirrel is carrying me away. Does that make me a nut?
I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says moo.
Here I sit in stinking vapor, Wondering who stole the toilet paper. Boss is calling, no time to linger, look out, asshole, here comes the finger.
Toilet Graffiti, American air base in Germany
First God created man, then he had a better idea!
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard, only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.
Guidance counselors are people who tell you how to be successful, but never quite got there themselves.
Man, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then again, I just ate a live squirre
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first name basis with anything that makes 95% of their decisions for them.
Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE.
Q: How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
A: I won't tell you.
On a greeting card
Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while cleaning fluid is made with real lemons?
(Written on the wall directly ahead) Look Left
(Written on the left wall) Look Right
(Written on the right wall) Look Left
Boy , Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
I'd rather let 5000 guilty men go free, then chase after them.
In blue ink: "Here I sit all tired and dirty, trying to take a shit until 5:30"
Hillbilly dating service:
A common mistake people make when designing something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Homer: Now remember Lisa, always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa: But what if someone really bad tells me to do something really bad and...
I'd like to meet someone outside the family.
Whose Line is It Anyway
In red ink just below it: "There you sit all dirty and tired, when you get out your ass is fired!
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven year
That which does not kill you only makes you wish it had.
Rowing coach to team as they were running the 37 flights of stairs at the Harvard Stadium
This weekend President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as "the guy who invented the penny.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.